A group of MP’s were in the Strangers’ Bar in the House of Commons, mulling over the latest outbreak of political correctness concerning football results in the Sheffield and District Junior Sunday League. Anything over 14-0 will no longer be reported in the newspapers, to save the feelings of the losing side and any injury to their self-esteem.
“My majority last time was over 20,000, George. That must have been really tough for my opponent. What was the guy going to tell his Mum when he got home? He had been in training for four years, and she had bought him some new kit for the match. And he had a speech in his pocket to read out to the fans when he won.”
“You’re right, Stan. My majority was only 12,000 but it must have been traumatic. I know he complained that I was much bigger than he was, and I was playing on my own ground. He told his Dad after the whistle was blown by the Returning Officer that I had all those grown-ups with shooting-sticks and Barbours shouting at him. Said it put him right off his game.”
“No kidding; now I think about it, my chap was in tears at the end. Said that was the last time he would play in that League. He’s now a local councillor. He wasn’t really ready for it. He had been warned by the ref about his language during the game, and for distributing scurrilous leaflets before the match.”
“What a prat. Tell you what, next time we’ll do away with the winner’s speech at the end of the count. No point in rubbing it in with all that triumphalism”
“I think we could go further; if, half way through the local campaign, one side looks like winning convincingly, the Electoral Commission should add 10,000 votes to the other side. And if the same side still looks as if it is ahead, we can take some of their team off the pitch and stop them canvassing.”
“Why stop there? To save the feelings of those who have lost, we shouldn’t report the results. It would mean that no one knew who had won the General Election, but isn’t that a small price to pay to save the feelings of the losers?”