The considerate hostess at today’s dinner party will often brief, in advance, those she has invited to her table about the arrangements for the evening, and about fellow guests. We were nonetheless surprised to receive the following on a Saturday morning.
“You will find our house in the village without too much difficulty because there will be a police car outside it. As you may know, William sits as a Recorder, and one of his clients has just come out of prison, expressing a desire to settle the score. The police car is there to deter any unpleasantness. We have given the officer your car number so you are not inconvenienced.”
“When you arrive, you will be warmly greeted by Henry, our Irish Wolfhound. He may sound fierce, but he is a real softie. Indeed, you may need to detach him from your leg if he is over-affectionate.”
“In addition to William and myself, and of course the two of you, there are four other guests.
David and Cynthia C.
Cynthia has a “Slimmin Wimmin” franchise – a weight reduction course for the clinically obese. She will be sitting next to two of the men, and may well try to enrol their wives on the course with her special New Year Resolution Offer “Low Weight in 08” We advise caution; the diet can cause halitosis and the therapy sessions are traumatic.
David is in facilities management. He is a Southampton supporter, and it is worth checking the results before the dinner. If the Saints lost, you are advised not to discuss football. His hands may stray under the table between courses (at our last party, this caused the lady on his left to leave early. The lady on his right appeared to enjoy this attention.)
Jacques and Clarissa D
Clarissa is a clairvoyant. We have used her professionally in connection with betting at Newbury racecourse and found her unreliable. Her imagination can run away with her and we have asked her not to bring her Ouija Board this time. Her daughter achieved notoriety on Big Brother two years ago and the libel case will be heard next week.
Her husband Jacques is French and, yes, it is a wig. He has just bought the village pub and is turning it into a fish restaurant. This has upset the darts team and the pool players.
He enjoys a glass of wine or two and has a low resistance to alcohol. He may sing the Marseillaise after the sweet. We will provide you with the words so you can join in to save embarrassment.
After dinner and a glass or two of port, we play a game handed down by William’s father before he sadly had to go to Melbury Lodge. We will explain the rules at the time. Bring a small amount of cash. Gentlemen should ensure their belts are not too tight and ladies should not wear necklaces. Let us know if you are on any medication.”
For the benefit of the diary columnists, this is a spoof.